Animals (49 jokes)

SBF Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I’m a young, svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods; riding in your pickup truck; hunting, camping, fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours.

Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)

• 🍆 Sex

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth’s history.

• 💭 Thoughts

The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she’s out. It’s a weird way to find out that my cat is a Republican.

• 🗳️ Politician

The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.

• 🖥️ Technology

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

• 🦽 Disability

why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

• Dad jokes

wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.

You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats.
Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.