Animals (47 jokes)

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops, thinking “woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realize what happened.

He starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

• 🍆 Sex

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
“I’m a turtle”, he says.

“Oh… who’s on your back?”

“That’s Michelle”, he replies.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week”.
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want”.
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look , I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that’s cool”.

• 👷 Engineer

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute.

The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay me?”
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up ‘prostitute.’
The definition reads: ‘A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. ‘

The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up ‘panda.’
The definition reads: ‘An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves’

• 🏩 Prostitute

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there’s an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he’ll be glad to take a look, but he won’t be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, “Have you had time to look at my engine?”

The mechanic says, “Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin says, “No, that’s just ice cream.”

• 🍆 Sex

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
“Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, two new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”

• 🏩 Prostitute

Bears think if you’re lying down motionless, you’re dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”

His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”

Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.”
The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.

Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.

Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.

Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

• 🎅 Christmas
• 👪 Family