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Money (73 jokes)
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.”
“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again.”
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A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The taxi driver responds: “Oh, it’s not the fact that you’re naked that bothers me.”
“Then why are you looking at me that way?”
“Well, ma’am, I’m looking at you and thinking, ‘where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?’”
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.”
Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
“Wisdom is yours,” says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, “I should have taken the money.”
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Looking at the barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf”
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman
Bartender responds: “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar”
An old man is selling watermelons.
His price list reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
“That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.”
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”
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A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, โGive me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.โ
The bank manager said to the clerk, โYou’d better do what he says, I think he means business.โ
A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.
The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politicianโs tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politicianโs door.
โAll right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,000 a year, but youโre not giving any money to charity!โ he told her. โNow, I happen to run a very credible charity, andโฆoh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise Iโll leave you alone.โ
The politician gasped, very offended. โYou think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?โ she said. โWere you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?โ
โUm, I didnโt,โ said her neighbor.
โAnd did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?โ she went on.
โErโฆno, Iโm sorryโฆโ
โAnd that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?โ
Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, โOh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!โ
And the politician continued: โAnd soโฆ if I didnโt give any money to them, why would I give any to you?โ
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A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for ยฃ250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, โSorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Joe replied, โWell, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, โCan’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’
Joe said, โOk, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, โWhat ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, โI’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, โYou can’t flog a dead horse!’
Joe said, โSure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, โWhat happened with that dead horse?’
Joe said, โI raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at ยฃ5 apiece and made a profit of ยฃ2495.’
The farmer said, โDidn’t anyone complain?’
Joe said, โJust the guy who won. So I gave him his ยฃ5 back.’
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Batman is like “oooh I dont ‘kill’ people that’s bad and evil I punch them until they are incapacitated with life altering injuries for life and have them put a strain on the healthcare system for the next 40 years. Oh, did i mention my family owns, like, all of the hospitals?”
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