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Money (73 jokes)
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The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten.
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The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his three sons to promote.
He sits them all down and tells them: “There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have.”
Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.
He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
“How much digging have you been able to do?”, he asks.
“3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work”
The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well.
“10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They’re all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they’re willing to work for half minimum wage.”
The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.
“How much mining have you been able to do?”, asks the father.
“35 tons, dad, but I didn’t use any of the budget.”
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, “how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?”
“I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they’re going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!”
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The constraints of radio ads must be so fun to work with because you’ve only got 30 seconds, no visuals, and they must be terrible.
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This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.
We’re losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!” As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”
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- What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
- I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there’s no more Jobs, but I shouldn’t compare apples to oranges.