Dad jokes (56 jokes)

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

My friend told me he’s worried about his guitar playing addiction.

I told him don’t fret.

My longer hair is really growing on me.

My wife is turning 32 soon…

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

• 👫 Man and woman

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing…
It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It’s.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don’t touch the thermos tat.

So I was having sex with my girlfriend at her parent’s house, and we were really getting it on with her moaning and groaning which woke up her dad.

We were really in the heat of it so we never noticed when he walked upstairs and then walked in on us.

“Dad!” my girlfriend exclaimed in a panic “I…I’m sorry”

The dad being, a dad, replies “Hi sorry, I’m Dad!”

He then turns to me and asks “Are you fucking sorry?”

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.