Dark humor (37 jokes)

How’s everyone holding up?
It’s crazy out there. I’ve killed like fifteen zombies already.
Why are they all carrying candy?

How to create a unicorn : kill a narwhal. Take his horn. Hammer it in a white horse’s head. Unicorn!
What? A dead one? Ungrateful bastard.

• 🐪 Animals

I lost 40 pounds in one day and YOU CAN TOO if you cut off your leg

I love writing jokes while crossing the stre

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.

• ✡️ Jew

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died.

I would leave right now, but the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

• 👫 Man and woman

In Texas, how do you get a black man out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

• 🇺🇸 America
• 👨🏿 Black

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

• 👫 Man and woman

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, “who’s blood is this”, and “where did you get it?”

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor