English language (51 jokes)

I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!
And she said to me “Whatever floats your boat”
And I said “No, that’s Buoyancy”

• 👫 Man and woman

I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.

Made the taxi wait an extra 10 min tonight then got in it and said “sorry about the wait” to which he replied “don’t worry pal av always been this size”.
Whole new level of taxi patter

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

My pen is huge !

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”
I said I’d take either/oar.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

• 👫 Man and woman

Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

• 👫 Man and woman

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don’t know, can you borrow a pencil?
Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word “may” to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.
Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words “can” and “may”.
Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

• 💰 Money
• 👨‍🏫 Teacher