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English language (52 jokes)

boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods

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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

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Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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Easy peasy lemon squeazy? Or difficult pifficult lemon squifficult?

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Education is important but big biceps is importanter

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Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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Grammar is the difference between helping your uncle wank off a horse and helping your Uncle Wank off a horse.

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How Do You Spell Potato?

  • If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
  • If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
  • If PHTH stands for T as in Pthisis
  • If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
  • If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
  • If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.

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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…

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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is “conjoined twins”.

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