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English language (52 jokes)
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Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don’t know, can you borrow a pencil?
Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word “may” to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.
Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words “can” and “may”.
Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.ย
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.ย
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publikย enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.ย
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.ย
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.ย
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.ย
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.ย
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vordsย kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensiย bl riten styl.ย
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.ย
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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There’s a world of difference between, “let’s eat, Timmy,” and “let’s eat Timmy.”
The first is perfect at the dining table while the second is inevitable when you’re stranded on a raft out at sea.
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Also: I didn’t ask a question.
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French.