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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- Remember in the 90s to get online you had to murder a robot each time, and it would scream and scream until its death powered your internet
- Remember, Mondays are fine
- “Remember: Satan was the first to demand equal rights”…
- “Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead…
- Respect is like manure…
- Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend…
- Roger Federer is very competitive
- “Rome has never been so brightly lit at night!”…
- Running from a fight might keep you from getting beat up…
- Sad truth : 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy
- Santa would consume 6
- Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell…
- Save a lollipop, suck my dick
- Saying “my life sucks” when something goes wrong…
- Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender
- SBF Seeks Male companionship…
- Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck…
- Schwartzenegger has a big one…
- Science is what you know…
- Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context…
- Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar…
- [scrabble]…
- See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!…
- [sending text]…
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888…
- Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
- Sex is great but have you ever gone camping in the winter with somebody special? You laid out under the bright unspoiled country stars in the middle of nowhere holding their hand, just kinda dreaming out loud about your future together, and they ain’t saying a word cause words would ruin it, they just keep squeezing that hand real tight and looking at you with those big sweet eyes and your phone goes off
- Sex with Linux…
- SF movies / TV vs Reality…
- She only got two brain cells, and both of them are fighting for third place
- She was the first woman to be sent to space…
- Six year old: I’m so glad it’s spring…
- Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts…
- Smart is just a polished version of dumb
- Smoking will kill you…
- So Apple hates boobs, AND farts? Why does anybody like that shitty company?
- So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop…
- “Software being ‘Done’ is like lawn being ‘Mowed’”…
- “Software is the only business in which adding extra lanes to the Golden Gate bridge would be called maintenance”…
- So imagination has no limit? Try to imagine a new color
- So I was having sex with my girlfriend at her parent’s house, and we were really getting it on with her moaning and groaning which woke up her dad…
- SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK BEFORE I PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE actually forget it, just go
- Someday aliens are going to land their saucers in a field somewhere in New Jersey and everything is going to go just fine right up until we try to explain our calendar to them…
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch…
- Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
- Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip…
- Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia
- Some people just need a high-five
- Some people manage their chronic illness with green smoothies and pilates…
- Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it
- Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat…
- Sometimes I write a letter on paper with a pen then burn it laughing about how Google must be crying over information it will never index
- Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl…
- Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school…
- Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay…
- Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin…
- Sorry, but the official story behind 9/11 just doesn’t make sense
- Sorry for typos! My tweet that said “Have just received word of my Nobel Prize nomination” should have read “Had doughnut for lunch
- Sorry I missed your call earlier today
- So the acronym for X Box One X is XBOX
- So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?
- So this SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish bar, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor
- So when Jesus starts a holiday dinner with “one of you will betray me” it’s amazing and dramatic and evidence of his prophetic gifting, but when *I* do it I’m “just doing it for attention” and “either gonna to have to stop doing that every time or not be invited next year”?
- SpongeBob: “Patrick, you’re a genius!”…
- Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump…
- Still engaged in your experiment to prove a maximum threshold of human idiocy? Good for you! Very empirical of you
- STOP making fun of different programming languages…
- Story idea: A time traveller from 2011 visits Netscape circa 1994 and shows them 4chan /b/
- Student: Can I borrow a pencil? …
- Study 3 years for degree…
- Success is like pregnancy…
- Success is the best revenge? …
- Superman is out flying and sees Wonder Woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight…
- Sure, I made mistakes when I was younger…
- Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison
- Swallow, bitch! There are people starving in Africa
- Swallow magnets to become attractive
- Talent hits a target no one else can hit…
- “taptap-taptaptap-tap-tap”…
- Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an ‘i’ in it…
- TEACHER: What’s wrong Musa, why are you crying? …
- “Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex”…
- TECH CONSUMERS: Alexa decides what music I listen to, what my children eat, and who can open my door…
- Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared…
- That awkward moment when you are so bored and say you have nothing to do but in reality you have a bunch of homework to do and you’d still rather being bored that doing it
- The 2016 US Presidential Election…
- The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs…
- The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs…
- “The American date format, created by me it was…
- The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth’s history
- “The average person is dumb, and half of them are dumber than that”…
- The awkward moment when a sentence doesn’t end the way you think it blowjob
- The best argument against Democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
- The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you’re high…
- The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten
- The border between China and Afghanistan at the Wakhjir Pass has the most significant official change of clocks for any international land frontier: UTC+08:00 in China to UTC+04:30 in Afghanistan
- The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his three sons to promote…
- The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she’s out