I came, I clicked,
👍
All jokes (1,802 jokes)
- Our expectations for you were already low, but HOLY FUCK!
- Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction…
- Pedophiles are fucking immatures assholes
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
- People call me Blister
- People say smoking will give you diseases…
- People talk about being bound by the Pirate Code…
- People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness
- People will swim in the ocean, even though there are definitely many corpses in it…
- People with Covid have no taste!
- Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros…
- Philosophy is a scam
- Picking the most inappropriate background music for class project on Alzheimer’s disease: “somebody that I used to know”
- Pickup artists and garbage men should switch names
- Pleased to announce my wife and I finally completed a six hour negotiation to pick out the movie she’s going to look at her phone to while I fall asleep on the couch
- Police: Knock knock…
- Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other
- Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house
- Pothead gets really high on some good shit and goes home…
- Prediction for 2035: RFID condoms replace remembering your date’s name among busy tech professionals
- prepares to sneeze* aa
- President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly…
- President Trump is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun…
- Professor X asks a girl, “what is your mutant power?”…
- Programming ProTip: `//` is the speedup operator…
- Pro tip: never trust a software engineer’s estimate for anything
- Pun enters a room, kills 10 people…
- Put Haskell on your resume even if you don’t know it
- Putin is visiting Ukraine…
- Put that you were Time’s 2006 person of the year on your resume/CV…
- QA Engineer walks into a bar…
- Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with, but I reckon it was probably a printer
- Raise your children, and you get to spoil your grandkids…
- Raise your right foot if you hate speeding tickets!
- Rappers gonna rape
- Recruiter: can you explain this gap in your resume? …
- Relationship advice: Always make sure one of you have good credit
- Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? …
- Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY!…
- Remember in the 90s to get online you had to murder a robot each time, and it would scream and scream until its death powered your internet
- Remember, Mondays are fine
- “Remember: Satan was the first to demand equal rights”…
- “Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead…
- Respect is like manure…
- Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend…
- Roger Federer is very competitive
- “Rome has never been so brightly lit at night!”…
- Running from a fight might keep you from getting beat up…
- Sad truth : 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy
- Santa would consume 6
- Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell…
- Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell…
- Save a lollipop, suck my dick
- Saying “my life sucks” when something goes wrong…
- Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender
- SBF Seeks Male companionship…
- Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck…
- Schwartzenegger has a big one…
- Science is what you know…
- Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context…
- Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar…
- [scrabble]…
- See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!…
- [sending text]…
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888…
- Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
- Sex is great but have you ever gone camping in the winter with somebody special? You laid out under the bright unspoiled country stars in the middle of nowhere holding their hand, just kinda dreaming out loud about your future together, and they ain’t saying a word cause words would ruin it, they just keep squeezing that hand real tight and looking at you with those big sweet eyes and your phone goes off
- Sex with Linux…
- SF movies / TV vs Reality…
- She only got two brain cells, and both of them are fighting for third place
- She was the first woman to be sent to space…
- Six year old: I’m so glad it’s spring…
- Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts…
- Smart is just a polished version of dumb
- Smoking will kill you…
- So Apple hates boobs, AND farts? Why does anybody like that shitty company?
- So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop…
- “Software being ‘Done’ is like lawn being ‘Mowed’”…
- “Software is the only business in which adding extra lanes to the Golden Gate bridge would be called maintenance”…
- So imagination has no limit? Try to imagine a new color
- So I was having sex with my girlfriend at her parent’s house, and we were really getting it on with her moaning and groaning which woke up her dad…
- SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK BEFORE I PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE actually forget it, just go
- Someday aliens are going to land their saucers in a field somewhere in New Jersey and everything is going to go just fine right up until we try to explain our calendar to them…
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch…
- Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
- Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip…
- Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia
- Some people just need a high-five
- Some people manage their chronic illness with green smoothies and pilates…
- Sometimes I have sex with my dad on an elevator…
- Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it
- Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat…
- Sometimes I write a letter on paper with a pen then burn it laughing about how Google must be crying over information it will never index
- Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl…
- Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school…
- Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay…
- Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin…
- Sorry, but the official story behind 9/11 just doesn’t make sense
- Sorry for typos! My tweet that said “Have just received word of my Nobel Prize nomination” should have read “Had doughnut for lunch
- Sorry I missed your call earlier today