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All jokes (1,770 jokes)
- Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? …
- Wife: I’m pregnant…
- Wife was breastfeeding…
- Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom…
- wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium…
- witch: *turns me into a frog* now suffer…
- With a president like that, who needs terrorists?
- When Britain left the EU, how much space was freed up? …
- With inflation at 7
- With its overseas territories, France uses 12 different time zones
- Work It Harder…
- “Work like a slave, command like a king, create like a god…
- Would men mansplain less if we refer to it instead as correctile dysfunction?
- Wouldn’t the sentence ‘I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign’ have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
- Yes, our happiness is based on things we don’t need and governed by entities we don’t control, so what? …
- Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar…
- Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian…
- Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly…
- Yes, yes Java updater…
- Yo mama so ugly her blowjob counts as anal
- You are as a candle, better burnt out
- You are much more likely to get what you ask for than what you deserve
- You are the human equivalent of a participation award
- “You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they have tried everything else…
- You can always spot extroverted mathematicians — they’re the ones who look at your feet
- You can go a long way with a smile
- You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy marshmallow which is kinda the same thing
- You can tell Monopoly is an old game, because there is a luxury tax and rich people go to jail
- You clearly have not been burdened by an over abundance of education
- You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side
- You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
- You don’t need a parachute to skydive…
- You got an IQ that matches your shoe size
- You haven’t been yourself lately
- You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me…
- You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point
- You know the difference between a Range Rover and a porcupine? …
- You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats…
- You know why witches don’t fall off their brooms while flying? …
- You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo
- You know you’re old when the bins go out more than you do
- You look like a before picture
- You look like a visible fart
- You make me wish I had more middle fingers
- You meet a man on the Oregon Trail…
- You, my friend, are a piece of foam
- YOUNGER ME WATCHING ANY NEW STAR WARS: Wait, so this society keeps reverting back to fascism no matter how many times the good guys win?? That’s ridiculous…
- Your awesome smart phone is the crappiest tech your child will ever see
- Your birth certificate is nothing but an apology from the condom factory
- You’re cooler than me? …
- You’re impossible to underestimate
- You’re more useless than a bag of dicks without a handle
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid
- You’re not completely useless
- You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid
- You’re not scared of being alone in the dark
- “You’re telling me that I’m losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I’M BLACK?!”…
- Your gene pool could use a little more chlorine
- “Your hands are a gift from god…
- Your masturbation is none of my business…
- Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter “O”…
- Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat
- “Your the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 person online and you get a prize”…
- You shouldn’t say “shit-hole countries”…
- You think Chewbacca had a human dick or one of those red rocket things like dogs have? …
- You want me to go to a dinner party? The thing that killed Jesus?
- You want to know how old you really feel? …
- “You want to know how to paint a perfect painting? It’s easy…
- Zombie : Scientific name Homo Coprophagus Somnambulus
- Zuckerberg: “the more you know about a person, the better conversation you can have with them…