I came, I clicked,
👍
All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- The cemetery is so crowded
- The closer you are to death, the harder you cling to life
- The constraints of radio ads must be so fun to work with because you’ve only got 30 seconds, no visuals, and they must be terrible
- The C programming language — a language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language
- “The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed” might be my favorite saying of the week
- The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun…
- The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash
- The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility…
- The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
- The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time
- The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club
- The first rule of the Dunning-Kruger club is you don’t know you’re a member of the Dunning-Kruger club
- “The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the Axe for the Axe was clever and convinced the Trees that because his handle was made of wood, he was one of them”…
- “The generated code is machine-agnostic…
- The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”…
- The guy who stole my diary just died
- The husband leans over and asks his wife…
- The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside
- The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”…
- The larger the feet, the larger the penis…
- The largest condom factory in the States burned down…
- The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers…
- The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset…
- The main idea of “Inception”: if you run a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM, everything will be very slow
- The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing
- The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life
- The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals…
- The most awkward situation in urology occurs when a patient who is a few years post vasectomy comes in requesting a repeat semen analysis because their partner just got pregnant, the SA shows zero sperm and the patient is like, “wow I guess the child is a miracle
- The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies
- The new sex position is called Brexit…
- The next iPhone update includes several autocorrection fixes
- Then he ordered a drink
- The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
- The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve…
- The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk…
- The only culture you possess is bacteria
- The only thing Flat-Earthers fear…
- The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere Itself
- The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum…
- The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…
- “The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute…
- The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick
- The palace of secret doors is hardly a palace, is it? …
- The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers…
- The patient says, “Give me the bad news first!”…
- The plural of “index” is “indices”…
- The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd…
- The problem with a UDP joke is that you have no idea if people got it
- “The problem with quotes on the Internet is you can never be certain they’re authentic…
- “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts and the stupid ones are full of confidence”…
- The problem with Trump jokes…
- The question “Would you rather watch porn with or of your parents?” perfectly split the bar last night based solely on nationality
- THERAPIST: what do we say when we’re afraid of getting out of bed? …
- There are three types of showers…
- There are two identical twin brothers that live together…
- “There are two things in the world you never wanna let people see how you make them: laws and sausages…
- There are two types of people in this world…
- The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
- There cannot be a crisis next week
- “There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists…
- There is an old saying about knife fighting: loser dies on the street, winner dies in the ambulance
- There is a saying in France that the higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his bottom
- There is a type of mushrooms that, if eaten only once, is enough to feed a person until the end of his life
- There is no features
- There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator…
- There’s a guy on the train doing nothing, no smartphone, just staring out of the window
- There’s a rule that says bureaucracies follow a 3/2 law: to double productivity, you need three times many employees
- There’s a thin line between word and world
- There’s a world of difference between, “let’s eat, Timmy,” and “let’s eat Timmy…
- There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
- There was a farm nearby, so I went to get some fertilizer, but I decided to bring it back…
- There was a homeless man with a sign that said “One dollar for dirty joke…
- There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match…
- There was an old man who lived by a forest…
- There was a woman who had 100 kids…
- There were 53 kilobytes of digital memory worldwide in 1953
- These are the type of people who forget to breath and die; so I’ll just let it go
- The S in IoT stands for ‘security’
- The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”…
- The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors…
- The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier
- The taste of their food and the face of their women made the British man the best sailors in the world
- The three unwritten rules of life…
- “The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit…
- The truth is I love you……
- “The United States can always be relied upon to do the right thing — having first exhausted all possible alternatives…
- The Use of Computers in Movies…
- The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox has lost custody…
- The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress
- The worst moment at proctology college is the first time the instructor says, “Okay, everyone partner up
- The year is 2027 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president…
- They laughed at my crayon drawing
- They made a Guinness with 0
- They say “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”…
- They say God only gives us what we can handle…
- They say makeup sex is awesome, but it just leaves my dick covered in lipstick
- They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach
- They told me I wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic…
- This girl really hated me and wanted to ruin my reputation or something…
- This is a good life lesson : never try anything new, or you will fail