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All jokes (1,802 jokes)
- Love thy neighbor as thyself
- 🌓🌎🌞 ← lunar eclipse…
- Made the taxi wait an extra 10 min tonight then got in it and said “sorry about the wait” to which he replied “don’t worry pal av always been this size”…
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet…
- Man, **** censorship
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!…
- Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?
- Man is walking through park…
- Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? …
- Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there…
- Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy…
- My mama raised a complainer, not a quitter
- Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it?
- May your next shit be hedgehogs
- Me and my shadow are in couples therapy
- meandthespacebarhadanargumentandnowwearenttalking
- Me: can you pass me the Rooster sooster sauce? …
- Medusa’s Tits – One stare and you’re stone hard !
- me: how can I impress your dad? …
- Me: “How do I say this meeting is a waste of my time I am not paid enough to deal with your bullshit?”…
- Me: I’d like help with my taxes…
- Me: I have too many projects…
- ME, IN TEARS: you can’t just say every single part of a computer system is a file…
- Men be like “I’m different”…
- Men, when you get into an argument with your wife, remember: she doesn’t want to hear your opinion
- Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”…
- Me: What’s the wifi password? …
- Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not…
- “Minds are basically computers” is wrong if you think of computers as abstract Turing machines but spot on if you think of computers as a horrible assemblage of kludges bridging incompatible legacy code which only work because critical bugs are masking other critical bugs
- “Mom, I’m dating a man…
- Mostly, I just stand around being fantastic
- Mr…
- “Mr President, at 0600 hours we received the following message from outside the solar system…
- muahahahah
- My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
- What do you call an ox with big butt? …
- My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid…
- My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough…
- My boss told me to have a good day
- My boss: “You’re fired…
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school…
- My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer…
- My cousin just posted “I’m expecting twins” So I replied , “Finally 2 kids from the same man”…
- My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him…
- My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing…
- My daughter asked me how stars die
- My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school…
- My day job is to speak in an arcane snake language to a crystal vibrating at 3,000,000,000 cycles per second sitting in a cloud so that it can alter probabilities in the real world
- My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane
- My doctor told me to kill people
- My ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house…
- My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”…
- My ex thought the eggs in my ovaries had shells on them, and i think about that every time a man makes a decision on women’s bodies…
- My father always told me, find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life
- My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
- My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy…
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!…
- My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks…
- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther…
- My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can’t get a job…
- My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water…
- My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
- My friend told me he’s worried about his guitar playing addiction…
- My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal…
- My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10…
- My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan Gosling movie…
- My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago…
- My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order…
- My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me…
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”…
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair…
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
- My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix…
- My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough…
- My girlfriend is like the square root of -100…
- My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed…
- My girlfriend just emailed me…
- My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess…
- My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much…
- My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis…
- My girlfriend told me I only have two faults: apparently it’s everything I say, and everything I do
- My girlfriend told me that I care about programming more than about her…
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…
- My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
- My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale
- My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?!”…
- My god, I made my child dinner just last night, and now he’s asking for dinner again
- My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens…
- My granddad was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW2…
- My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology
- My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink…
- My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo
- My grief counselor died
- My gynecologist follows me on Instagram…
- My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee…
- My housemates are convinced our house is haunted…
- My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children…
- My husband and son are getting competitive while playing games…