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All jokes (1,773 jokes)
- meandthespacebarhadanargumentandnowwearenttalking
- Medusa’s Tits – One stare and you’re stone hard !
- me: how can I impress your dad? …
- Me: “How do I say this meeting is a waste of my time I am not paid enough to deal with your bullshit?”…
- Me: I’d like help with my taxes…
- Me: I have too many projects…
- ME, IN TEARS: you can’t just say every single part of a computer system is a file…
- Men be like “I’m different”…
- Men, when you get into an argument with your wife, remember: she doesn’t want to hear your opinion
- Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”…
- Me: What’s the wifi password? …
- Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not…
- “Minds are basically computers” is wrong if you think of computers as abstract Turing machines but spot on if you think of computers as a horrible assemblage of kludges bridging incompatible legacy code which only work because critical bugs are masking other critical bugs
- “Mom, I’m dating a man…
- Mostly, I just stand around being fantastic
- Mr…
- “Mr President, at 0600 hours we received the following message from outside the solar system…
- muahahahah
- My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
- What do you call an ox with big butt? …
- My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid…
- My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough…
- My boss told me to have a good day
- My boss: “You’re fired…
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school…
- My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer…
- My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him…
- My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing…
- My daughter asked me how stars die
- My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school…
- My day job is to speak in an arcane snake language to a crystal vibrating at 3,000,000,000 cycles per second sitting in a cloud so that it can alter probabilities in the real world
- My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane
- My doctor told me to kill people
- My ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house…
- My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”…
- My ex thought the eggs in my ovaries had shells on them, and i think about that every time a man makes a decision on women’s bodies…
- My father always told me, find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life
- My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
- My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy…
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!…
- My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks…
- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther…
- My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can’t get a job…
- My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water…
- My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
- My friend told me he’s worried about his guitar playing addiction…
- My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal…
- My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10…
- My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan Gosling movie…
- My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago…
- My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order…
- My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me…
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”…
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair…
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
- My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix…
- My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough…
- My girlfriend is like the square root of -100…
- My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed…
- My girlfriend just emailed me…
- My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess…
- My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much…
- My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis…
- My girlfriend told me I only have two faults: apparently it’s everything I say, and everything I do
- My girlfriend told me that I care about programming more than about her…
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…
- My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
- My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale
- My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?!”…
- My god, I made my child dinner just last night, and now he’s asking for dinner again
- My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens…
- My granddad was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW2…
- My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology
- My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink…
- My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo
- My grief counselor died
- My gynecologist follows me on Instagram…
- My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee…
- My housemates are convinced our house is haunted…
- My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children…
- My husband and son are getting competitive while playing games…
- My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working…
- My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her…
- My lesbian neighbours asked me to help them conceive a child recently…
- My life
- My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code…
- My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion…
- My longer hair is really growing on me
- My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home…
- My Mom finally got the courage to bring my Dad’s urn into the living room and place it on the mantle
- My mother used to tuck me in every night…
- My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed…
- My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I’m so young
- My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister
- My password is the last 5 digits of π
- My pen is huge !
- My penis is a feminist the way it sticks up for women
- My penis is like Joe Biden…