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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- I was blessed with a 9 inch penis…
- I was chatting with this military bloke the other day, and the subject got onto how many women we have slept with…
- I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life…
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus…
- I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins…
- I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed
- I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in…
- I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions…
- I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day…
- I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me…
- I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised…
- I was once in an elevator and a girl dropped her iPhone as she stepped in, and we both listened to it careen thunderously down the shaft for what seemed like five minutes, our eyes wide with shock…
- I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…
- I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day
- I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone…
- I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof
- I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said “you are the best sister ever” and walked away
- I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits…
- I was thinking to myself like “brain is pretty amazing” then I realized it was my brain telling me to think that…
- I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket…
- I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale…
- I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kind of like my toaster
- I wish I could be ugly for one day…
- I wish I was as fat as I was the day I first thought I was fat
- I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
- “I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date…
- I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief
- I wrote an entire new family of malware, when executed it accesses your system, neatly organizes your files and makes your desktop pretty…
- Jack and Jill have grown up…
- Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he’s greeted by Satan himself…
- Jack goes to his buddy Bob…
- Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan…
- Java is to JavaScript as Car is to Carpet
- Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…
- Jesus once said “He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword”…
- Jesus : Remember I died for your sins
- John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith…
- Jones got assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance…
- Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you? …
- Judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgment
- Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”…
- Just asked the Google streetview car driver if he minded me taking a picture of his car
- Just found my Nokia 3310 in an old jacket I last wore in 2001
- Just had a CAPTCHA test make me identify the seaplanes amidst an assortment of other types of planes…
- Just read this crash report: “Eating my breakfast while typing one-handed
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver…
- Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
- “Knock, knock”…
- “Knock Knock”…
- Knock! Knock!…
- Knock knock…
- knock knock who’s there? …
- Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated…
- landlord: your income needs to be three times your rent…
- Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl…
- Late one night, Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetery…
- LaTeX presents a welcome change from WYSIWYG
- law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class…
- Learn to code
- Let’s not make easy things hard for the sake of making simple things trivial
- Let’s play a game of MILLENNIAL MONOPOLY…
- Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader…
- Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem
- Little Johnny’s neighbour just had a baby…
- Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom…
- Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated…
- Living is easy
- lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on stupid websites…
- Looking at pine needle shadows on my car, they looked under sampled
- Lord_Voldemort : Yo Mamma is so fat, wingardium leviosa couldn’t lift her
- Love thy neighbor as thyself
- 🌓🌎🌞 ← lunar eclipse…
- Made the taxi wait an extra 10 min tonight then got in it and said “sorry about the wait” to which he replied “don’t worry pal av always been this size”…
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet…
- Man, **** censorship
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!…
- Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?
- Man is walking through park…
- Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? …
- Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there…
- Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy…
- Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it?
- May your next shit be hedgehogs
- Me and my shadow are in couples therapy
- meandthespacebarhadanargumentandnowwearenttalking
- Medusa’s Tits – One stare and you’re stone hard !
- me: how can I impress your dad? …
- Me: “How do I say this meeting is a waste of my time I am not paid enough to deal with your bullshit?”…
- Me: I’d like help with my taxes…
- Me: I have too many projects…
- ME, IN TEARS: you can’t just say every single part of a computer system is a file…
- Men be like “I’m different”…
- Men, when you get into an argument with your wife, remember: she doesn’t want to hear your opinion
- Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”…
- Me: What’s the wifi password? …
- Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not…
- “Minds are basically computers” is wrong if you think of computers as abstract Turing machines but spot on if you think of computers as a horrible assemblage of kludges bridging incompatible legacy code which only work because critical bugs are masking other critical bugs
- “Mom, I’m dating a man…
- Mostly, I just stand around being fantastic
- Mr…