I came, I clicked,
👍
All jokes (1,802 jokes)
- It’s terrifying that both of these things are true at the same time in this world…
- It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails…
- It’s weird that people interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”
- It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
- It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild…
- It would take 8…
- I use a dark theme when coding…
- I used to be indecisive
- I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it…
- I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade…
- I used to smoke pot and go to class…
- I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above…
- I’ve decided that today was gonna be a good day
- I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out…
- I’ve fucked in the East and I’ve fucked in the West…
- I’ve never understood how the Nazis couldn’t find where Anne Frank was hiding…
- I’ve not failed…
- I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell…
- I’ve spent years building up a tolerance to laxatives
- I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother
- I visited my new friend in his apartment
- I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB…
- I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer…
- I walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot earlier today…
- I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants…
- I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t understand
- I want to watch a zombie movie where the real threat is the general dumbassery of mankind
- I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”…
- I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”…
- I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open…
- I was blessed with a 9 inch penis…
- I was chatting with this military bloke the other day, and the subject got onto how many women we have slept with…
- I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life…
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus…
- I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins…
- I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed
- I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in…
- I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions…
- I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day…
- I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me…
- I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised…
- I was once in an elevator and a girl dropped her iPhone as she stepped in, and we both listened to it careen thunderously down the shaft for what seemed like five minutes, our eyes wide with shock…
- I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…
- I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day
- I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone…
- I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof
- I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said “you are the best sister ever” and walked away
- I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits…
- I was thinking to myself like “brain is pretty amazing” then I realized it was my brain telling me to think that…
- I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket…
- I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale…
- I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kind of like my toaster
- I wish I could be ugly for one day…
- I wish I was as fat as I was the day I first thought I was fat
- I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
- “I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date…
- I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief
- I wrote an entire new family of malware, when executed it accesses your system, neatly organizes your files and makes your desktop pretty…
- Jack and Jill have grown up…
- Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he’s greeted by Satan himself…
- Jack goes to his buddy Bob…
- Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan…
- Java is to JavaScript as Car is to Carpet
- Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…
- Jesus once said “He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword”…
- Jesus : Remember I died for your sins
- John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith…
- Jones got assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance…
- Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you? …
- Judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgment
- Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”…
- Just asked the Google streetview car driver if he minded me taking a picture of his car
- Just found my Nokia 3310 in an old jacket I last wore in 2001
- Just had a CAPTCHA test make me identify the seaplanes amidst an assortment of other types of planes…
- Just read this crash report: “Eating my breakfast while typing one-handed
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver…
- Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
- “Knock, knock”…
- Knock knock…
- Knock! Knock!…
- “Knock Knock”…
- knock knock who’s there? …
- Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated…
- landlord: your income needs to be three times your rent…
- Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl…
- Late one night, Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetery…
- LaTeX presents a welcome change from WYSIWYG
- law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class…
- Learn to code
- Let’s not make easy things hard for the sake of making simple things trivial
- Let’s play a game of MILLENNIAL MONOPOLY…
- Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader…
- Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem
- Little Johnny’s neighbour just had a baby…
- Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom…
- Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated…
- Living is easy
- lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on stupid websites…
- Looking at pine needle shadows on my car, they looked under sampled
- Lord_Voldemort : Yo Mamma is so fat, wingardium leviosa couldn’t lift her