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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- I need everyone to wish me luck! I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt…
- I never understood school shooting jokes…
- In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3…
- In Monopoly, if no one ever buys a property, everyone gets richer and no one loses
- I no longer dislike Mondays…
- In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe
- I now know that the thing I want MOST in the world is a parrot trained to say “OK Google”
- Instead of saying motherfucker you can just say Œdipus
- Instructor, during my driving test: turn the car on…
- Intelligent and sophisticated readers will of course recognise a fallacy like this when they read one
- Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap on your resume? …
- interviewer: if you can explain what deadlocks are, I’ll hire you…
- INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk? …
- In Texas, how do you get a black man out of a tree? …
- “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends…
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice…
- In the year 2025, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me…
- In your pursuit of “beginner friendly”, careful not to become “expert hostile”
- I once lasted 1 hour and 2 minutes in bed…
- I once saw a woman talking to her dog
- I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once
- I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!…
- I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex…
- I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…
- I renamed my iPhone to “The Titanic”
- Irish daughter had not been home for over five years…
- Is 25
- I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon
- I saw two men in matching outfits, I asked them if they were gay…
- I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…
- “I should cook breakfast! It’s been a while since I did that…
- I showed up to my ex’s place to cash in a foot rub coupon he made me for Valentine’s Day ten years ago, his wife was kind of a bitch about it
- Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? …
- Isn’t it strange that the the human mind doesn’t register the the fact that I used the the word “the” twice each time in this sentence?
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself…
- I started a new job…
- I started crying when dad was cutting onions
- Is the glass half full or half empty? …
- I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas…
- I sure am glad I’m not Sisyphus, cursed to forever do the same task
- I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched…
- I take Viagra for my sun burn…
- I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer…
- I think I’m half-Batman, half-Spiderman, because I have no money, no powers
- I think my brain committed suicide
- I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace…
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago
- I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party…
- It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries…
- It is winter, and two neighbors are standing and talking…
- It must be hard for people learning to spell in English…
- I told a great UDP joke at a staff meeting one time, but almost nobody got it
- I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
- I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!…
- I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
- I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!…
- I told you I’d be ready in 5 minutes, so stop calling me every half-hour !
- I took off her shirt…
- It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety
- I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement…
- It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub…
- It’s annoying how nothing is made in the USA anymore…
- It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore…
- It’s easy to have the courage of a lion, they’re gigantic and have claws and no natural predators…
- It’s funny how everyone I encounter is really optimistic about self-driving cars except the one person I know who codes self-driving vehicles
- It’s funny how last names like Smith or Taylor are essentially the past equivalent of someone being named Productmanager
- It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning
- It’s important to establish a good vocabulary…
- It’s messed up that couch sleepy never directly translates to bed sleepy
- It’s not a data breach, it’s a surprise backup
- It’s not a Sunday until you completely waste it and then feel really sad around 8pm
- It’s only impostor syndrome if it comes from the Imposteur region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling self-doubt
- It’s terrifying that both of these things are true at the same time in this world…
- It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails…
- It’s weird that people interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”
- It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
- It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild…
- It would take 8…
- I use a dark theme when coding…
- I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it…
- I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade…
- I used to smoke pot and go to class…
- I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above…
- I’ve decided that today was gonna be a good day
- I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out…
- I’ve fucked in the East and I’ve fucked in the West…
- I’ve never understood how the Nazis couldn’t find where Anne Frank was hiding…
- I’ve not failed…
- I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell…
- I’ve spent years building up a tolerance to laxatives
- I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother
- I visited my new friend in his apartment
- I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB…
- I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer…
- I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants…
- I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t understand
- I want to watch a zombie movie where the real threat is the general dumbassery of mankind
- I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”…
- I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”…
- I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open…