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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- I got my Covid test results back today…
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn’t home…
- I got thrown out of math class today…
- I guess China finally got what they want…
- I had sex with my kid’s teacher…
- I had the best Dad moment last night…
- I hate lazy people…
- I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months…
- I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
- I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”…
- I have 99 problems and basically all of them could be solved with a salary increase
- I have a dig bick
- I have a joke about UDP, but I’m not sure you’ll get it
- I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5
- I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work
- I have neither the time not the crayons to explain it to you
- I have no pronouns…
- I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia…
- I have two conditions in my will…
- I heard the joke of the man, with no penis, about to ejaculate…
- I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal…
- I intend to live forever
- I invented a new word!…
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show…
- I just burned 1200 calories…
- I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
- I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it
- I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
- I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds…
- I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once
- I know I can’t have your virginity, but can I play with the box it came in?
- I know you disapprove of swearing so I’ll sort that out
- I laugh every time I imagine an old guy saying “in my day vampires were scary, now they’re gay male models
- I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday…
- “I liked this paper, but it’s a pity the tables and graphs were on the page they were discussed instead of hidden at the end”…
- I like my women like I like my coffee…
- I like my women like I like my whiskey…
- I like your hair! Can I pull it from behind?
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching the TV show Chernobyl…
- I’ll bet the best part of being a scientist is constantly having your hard work and research questioned by people who spent every science class peeling glue from their hands
- I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died
- I lost 40 pounds in one day and YOU CAN TOO if you cut off your leg
- I love deadlines
- I love how bank transfers are the canonical database transaction example when banks take days to execute them and allow dirty reads the entire time
- I love how being an adult is just saying “But after this week things will slow down a bit again” to yourself until you die
- “I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer…
- I love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore, like peekaboo for adults
- I love writing jokes while crossing the stre
- “I love you lots snuggles” said my girlfriend…
- I’m a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm…
- I made a website for orphans
- I made my bed and found a half eaten butter stick in it…
- Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations
- Imagine how slow the rest of your father’s sperm had to be, so that you somehow ended up the winner
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight? there would be mass confusion
- Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant
- Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
- Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you
- Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower-case t’s start hurting
- I’m a hostess at a restaurant and my favorite thing to do is ask 14/15 year old boys who are out on dates if they want a kids menu
- I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world…
- I’m a Ninja!…
- I’m a polyatheist
- “I’m autistic…
- I’m divorcing my wife…
- I’m done being a people pleaser…
- I’m done with Self Care…
- I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number…
- I met an Amish programmer
- I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month…
- I’m going insane…
- I’m gonna go take a hot shower
- I’m heading to the store…
- I’m just sad the public school system failed him so badly
- I’m like an avocado: only pleasant for a short period of time, and it’s up to you to figure out when that is
- I’m not arguing…
- I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana…
- I’m on this new diet
- I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
- I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm…
- I’m programming so that one day I have enough money to focus on my real passion: programming
- I’m quitting my job to sell double sided dildos…
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…
- I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
- I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband…
- I’m so disappointed that a group of squid isn’t called a squad
- “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
- I’m teaching my kids to play Mario Kart so they know life is kind of fun but mostly infuriating and unfair
- I’m thinking remote employees would be more popular if we en masse rename ourselves “employees in the cloud”
- In 1920 we took children out of the coal mines…
- In 1920, we took children out of the coal mines…
- In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow…
- In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus…
- In all fairness, Brits probably don’t do Thanksgiving because if we had to take a day off for the anniversary of us fucking over a native people and ruining their country we’d never have to go to work
- In a real life rock-paper-scissors fight, paper isn’t great
- In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep…
- In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down…
- In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack…
- In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods…