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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl…
- ICANN has
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate…
- I can’t believe I failed my exam tomorrow
- I can’t believe Leonardo DiCaprio yelled “I’m on top of the world” from the Titanic, a ship, that was at sea…
- “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me…
- I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals…
- I changed all my passwords to “incorrect”…
- I changed my Gmail password to “Tiananmen” and I never had to suffer from break-ins from Chinese IPs ever since
- I childproofed my house
- I could never abuse substances
- I couldn’t join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn’t pure enough…
- I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed
- I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group…
- I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid…
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment…
- I don’t care what you think of me
- I don’t have a carbon footprint
- I don’t mean to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want…
- I dont mind mosquitos sucking my blood
- I dont think i’m better than you because of my interests…
- I don’t understand how the people of Tunisia overthrew their government without me signing an e-petition or changing my Twitter avatar
- I envy people who haven’t met you
- If 1024 fair coins are each tossed 10 times, chances are good
- If 2021 has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump was a regular American citizen…
- If a 747 can carry the space shuttle, then I call bullshit on overweight luggage fees
- If a girl says she will be ready in five minutes she will…
- If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them? …
- If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead
- If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican…
- If animals weren’t meant to be eaten, THEN WHY ARE THEY MADE OF FOOD?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then my illegal logging business is a success
- If Bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
- If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing
- If having sex for money makes you a whore…
- If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn’t her type…
- If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive, they would eventually find me attractive
- If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on…
- If I had a dollar for every minute I’ve ever spent on the internet, only god knows where I’d be right now… probably still on the internet
- If I had a dollar for every time someone over forty told me my generation sucks…
- If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
- “If I had time travel, I’d kill Hitler”…
- If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…
- I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother…
- I finish grad school this year, where’s the line for the jobs?
- If I poop I might miss UPS
- If it weren’t for Arabs, we would never have 9/11…
- If Miley Cyrus was Canadian she would be Kilometery Cryus
- If only dead people and you understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal ? …
- I found out long ago that when you look at the overall task, the cathedral you have to build, it looks so daunting that you just give up and sit down and play a video game
- If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened…
- If robbers ever broke into my house and start searching for money, I’d just laugh and search with them
- If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them…
- If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? …
- If there was an Eleventh Commandment, they would have broken that too
- If they’ll cheat for you, they’ll cheat on you
- If Trump wins the election, I will leave the United States…
- If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced “BOOM”?
- If you are talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass
- “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit…
- If you care, you just get disappointed all the time
- If you choose an answer to this question at random what is the chance you will be correct? …
- “If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be?”…
- If you cross your eyes while watching Tron, you can see it in 6D
- “‘If you dare nothing, then, when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained…
- If you died today, a friend would console your family and loved ones…
- If you don’t believe one man can change the world, then you, my son, are not he
- If you’d told me 10 years ago I’d be able to play real Mario Kart on the bus to work, I would not have believed I would get a bus to work
- If you ever do something that “feels like a hack but it works,” just remember that a CPU is literally a rock that we tricked into thinking
- If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? …
- “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style…
- If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
- If you need to cover a smell fast, cook bacon
- If you only sucked average sized penises…
- If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret
- If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys
- If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN, you get them VERY ANGRY
- If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
- If you’re chased by a serial killer, you’re both running for your lives
- If you’re like 16-18 and you’re really depressed, just know it gets way worse
- If you’re not failing, you’re not trying hard enough
- If you’re saying you overthink more than me, think again
- If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, imagine how surprised he must have been
- If you’re thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully…
- If your girlfriend asks if you would still love her if she was a worm, just say yes…
- If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it…
- If your pitch doesn’t end with “…and the cops can’t do shit
- If your software is free, how do you make money? …
- If you say the radius of a pizza is “z” and its thickness is “a” — The volume of the pizza will be calculated by `pi*z*z*a`
- “If you want to look good in front of thousands, you have to outwork thousands in front of nobody…
- If you want to make the wrong decision, ask everyone
- If you watch NASA backwards, it’s about a space agency that has no spaceflights capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on moon
- If you watch the world backwards it’s about a bunch of animals having sex until there are none left
- If you write out the basic facts of trees, but framed as technology, it sounds like impossible sci-fi nonsense
- [I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “I’m leaving and I’m taking the kids”]…
- I get the feeling many non-mathematicians think mathematics would be easy if only it was translated out of mathematical notation…
- I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes
- I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
- I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”…
- I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday…