Thoughts (216 jokes)

Philosophy is a scam… a bunch of ancient Greek dudes discovered arguing, realized they really liked it, and then used the power of arguing to convince everyone that arguing is a real job.

Pickup artists and garbage men should switch names.

Raise your children, and you get to spoil your grandkids.

Spoil your children, and you get to raise your grandkids.

• 👪 Family

Relationship advice: Always make sure one of you have good credit. That’s why it’s called significant other. Sign-if-I-can’t

• 💰 Money

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY!
That’s how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Respect is like manure. Use it where needed, and growth will flourish.
Spread it on too thick, and things just start to smell.

Saying “my life sucks” when something goes wrong

• self deprecating
• depressing
• makes you sadder.

Saying “God is trying to stop me because he fears my power”

• motivational
• empowering
• true

Science is what you know.
Philosophy is what you don’t know.

Smart is just a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence for a change.