Sex (185 jokes)

I’m quitting my job to sell double sided dildos.

I hear it’s a good way to make ends meet.

Instructor, during my driving test: turn the car on
Me: Ummm ok. (rubbing interior) You like that? You filthy who—
Instructor: Ok we’re done here

I once lasted 1 hour and 2 minutes in bed.

Thank you daylight savings time.

I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex.
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

• 💭 Thoughts

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.

I started a new job.
My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”.
She said “how do you get Dick from Kyle?”
I replied “you just ask nicely”.

Also, I’m looking for another job.

• 🤵 Work

I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

• 💭 Thoughts

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

• 👫 Man and woman

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.