Sex (184 jokes)

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy…
I told her I was more into anal and feet.
Now I’m banned from KFC.

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
“How much is it to the airport?” He asks.
The driver says, “$15”
“Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?”
The cab driver says, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. “How much to airport?”
“$15”
“Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?”
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, “hey how much to the airport?”
Driver responds, “$15”
The guy hands him $15 and says “great let’s go”
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’

The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’

The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

• 👪 Family
• 🤵 Work

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.
“What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke,” the guy protests.

“Just take a bite of the apple,” says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

“Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?”

The bartender tells him, “Turn it around.” So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased.

“It tastes like a coke! It’s a rum and coke apple? It’s a rum and coke apple! That’s pretty neat, pal.”

Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, “Buddy, try the apple,” and with a nod to his own, takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, “Tonic! What’s this, a tonic apple?”

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, “Turn it around…”

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. “It’s gin! It’s really gin! A gin and tonic apple!”

The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he’s about to order, the second man interrupts him, “Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I’ve got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy’s got a rum and coke apple!”

The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation.

“Oh yeah?” He starts, “OK then, it’s been a while, gimme a pussy flavored apple!”

And the bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar.

“Ughyuuk!!” He cries out, “This apple tastes like shit!”

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, “Turn it around…”

• 💩 Poop

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”

• 🐪 Animals

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s no way you’re fucking me in the ass!”
“Alright then, guess you’re sucking my cock.”

So she starts to suck him off and quickly spits it out and looks up at him.
“Your dick tastes like shit!”
“Yeah well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”

• 🐪 Animals

Almost every hand you’ve shaken have had a dick in it at some point.

• 💭 Thoughts

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

• 🐪 Animals

A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local:

— There is really no women here?
— None.
— So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex?
— There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he’d like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:

— What you doing!?
— Aren’t we…? Going to do the donkey thing?
— We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.

A man accidentally elbows a woman’s boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby.
The man apologizes profusely and says, “if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you’ll forgive me.”

To which the woman replied, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 318.”