I came, I clicked,
Sex (185 jokes)
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A man goes into a brothel.
He says to the madam, “Hi, I’m a traveling salesman, I’ve been on the road for eight weeks. I’ll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house.”
She says, “The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!”
He says, “No, it’s all right, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”
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A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office, as that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
“Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
A man is being released from a US hospital.
As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, โWhat the hell is going on here?!โ
The nurse replies, โYou see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.โ
โOh, I guess I can understand thatโ, says the man.
So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blow job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, โOk, now you have some explaining to do.โ
The nurse shrugs, and then replies, โSame problem, better insurance.โ
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…
She replied, โI’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.โ
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, โI’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.โ
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, โLet me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.โ
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, โIf I told you, you would only laugh.โ
โNo, I wouldn’t.โ he said.
She said, โI sell tampons.โ
With that, he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, โSee, I knew you would laugh.โ
โThat’s not what I’m laughing at!โ he replied. โI’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!โ
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
- Cheeseburgers: $5
- Fries: $3
- Handjobs: $10.
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”
“Yes, I am,” she replies seductively.
“Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
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A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young nurse replies: “I don’t know sir, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to ask: “Are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies: “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
“Nurse,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced: “Nothing wrong with your testicles.”
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again: “I SAID… Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK!!!???”
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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet
The man says “Aren’t you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?”
The hitman replies “Yeah, thats me.”
The man says “I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis.”
The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at.
They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it.
The hitman aims at the window of the wife’s hotel room.
The man says to the hitman “Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!” The hitman says, “Be patient. I’m trying to save you $10,000.”
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah, that’s the one!”
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
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A man was talking to a girl in a pub, when her mother came and joined them. Courteously, he stood when she arrived, then offered her a drink. She smiled, but shook her head.
The girl said ‘Mother does not drink - she tried it once, but didn’t like it.’
‘I see’ said the man.
The man then offered the lady a cigarette - again she smiled, and shook her head.
The girl said ‘Mother does not smoke - she tried it once, but didn’t like it.’
‘I see’ said the man.
‘I assume you have no brothers or sisters ?’