I came, I clicked,
Sex (184 jokes)
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
“What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
“What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.”
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!”
The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, “My hands are freezing cold!”
The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, “My nose is cold.”
The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.”
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”
Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask?”
The daughter replies, “They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?!”
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there’s an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he’ll be glad to take a look, but he won’t be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, “Have you had time to look at my engine?”
The mechanic says, “Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin says, “No, that’s just ice cream.”
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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
Of course they’re swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don’t have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face.
He says, “rabbi! What are you doing!”
The rabbi says, “in my community, they recognize me by my face.”
A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He’s been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.
“Best day? Well, that must’ve been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her…”
This is great, thinks the reporter.
“.. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life.”
“Holy shit,” yells the reporter, “that’s terrible. I can’t print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life.”
“Second-best, huh? That might’ve been the day Jim Bob’s prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good.”
“Damn it, man, I can’t possibly print that story,” says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. “How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?”
Hillbilly’s face falls. “Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou…”
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterโฆ
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec
I know, that’s a lot of information to swallow.
A startup celebrating raising capital is like celebrating that you bought condoms before a date.
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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”
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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house.
She asks her husband, “Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? “, the husband says “Do i look like a plumber?”
She asks him “Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?”, he replies “Do i look like and electrician?”
Growing tired she asks him “Can you at least mow the lawn?” again he replies “Do I look like a gardener?, now leave me alone I’ve got to go to work”.
When he comes back from work, the leak is fixed, the light has stopped flickering and the lawn has been cut perfectly, he turns to he wife, “How did you do all this?”
“You know fat Terry down the road, i called him and asked him to do it for me” the husband grows angry and says, “how much have you wasted now?”
“Nothing at all” she says “Terry said he would do it for a chocolate cake or a blowjob”
The husband smiles, “He does like his cake old Terry”, the wife replies “Do I look like a baker?”