I came, I clicked,
Sex (185 jokes)
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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “Ok, this isn’t working out.”
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said “it’s my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, “You can’t do this to me!”
I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
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Jack and Jill have grown up. They’ve graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn’t want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.
While he’s considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, “Jill, I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill responds with a sigh, “Well, you’ll have to jack off, I’ve got a headache.”
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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know what is sex” he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ….”Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Stunned by his response, Jane said: “Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don’t shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, pointing to her privates,”you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: “What the bloody hell did you do that for?
“Check for squirrel.” he responds.
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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.”
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed’s headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, ‘You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life”.
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny’s room only to find it’s empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around, looks at him and says “Yeah, not so funny when it’s your mom huh?”
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