I came, I clicked,
Sex (188 jokes)
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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.”
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed’s headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, ‘You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life”.
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny’s room only to find it’s empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around, looks at him and says “Yeah, not so funny when it’s your mom huh?”
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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.
Still got thrown off the bus.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job”
My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.
So I lost the case.
My ex thought the eggs in my ovaries had shells on them, and i think about that every time a man makes a decision on women’s bodies.
To be fair, i also thought balls were hollow and just had sperm kinda swimming around in there.
My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy.
The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, “No, it’s my first time.”
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
“Just a minute.” she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
“You like these?”
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
“Come on.” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn’t hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, “Did you put the condom on?”
I said, “I sure did!”, and held up my thumb to show her.