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Sex (185 jokes)

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, “Turn the light off and stick it in my butt”.

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should’ve stopped when I got to her name

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After two minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.”

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

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My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed.
In my defense it was doggy style so it’s more like 14 minutes.

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My girlfriend just emailed me.
She said, “thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative”

Does anyone know what “ternative” mean?

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram.

I really do not know what else he wants to see.

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My husband and son are getting competitive while playing games.
Husband said” I fucked your mom”

To which my son replied” I have been deeper inside her than you’ll ever be”

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My lesbian neighbours asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren’t man haters!

For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

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