Sex (185 jokes)

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they’re TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend’s room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you”
They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.”
I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

My mother used to tuck me in every night
She always wanted a girl :(

• 👪 Family

My penis is a feminist the way it sticks up for women

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

My wife finally agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom, the only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

“Of course!” I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my “lightsaber”.

The night finally came. Dressed in my Jedi robe I slowly opened the bedroom door. The room was dark. I could only barely make out my wife’s pale naked body, posed sensually on the bed.

I slowly remove my robe, revealing the faint blue glow of my ‘lightsaber’.

‘Hello there,’ I say, in my best sexy Obi Wan accent

‘General Kenobi,’ she replied, as four other ‘Lightsabers’ appeared behind her

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

My wife got mad at me when she asked me “Which of my friends would you want a threesome with?”

Apparently I was only supposed to reply with one friend.

• 👫 Man and woman

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walked out again, she said: “you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish.”

• 👫 Man and woman

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can’t take it any longer.

• 👫 Man and woman