Man and woman (113 jokes)

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.”

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

• 🔥 Cheating
• 🍆 Sex

My girlfriend just emailed me.
She said, “thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative”

Does anyone know what “ternative” mean?

• 🍆 Sex

My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
“Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”

My girlfriend told me I only have two faults: apparently it’s everything I say, and everything I do

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?!”
I thought, “Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.”

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what he’s talking about? I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching TV and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it… and its a text from my wife: Please bring the chips on your way back

• 🍔 Food

My wife got mad at me when she asked me “Which of my friends would you want a threesome with?”

Apparently I was only supposed to reply with one friend.

• 🍆 Sex