Man and woman (113 jokes)

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry, I’ll return.

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife is turning 32 soon…

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

• Dad jokes

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back. She just went out to bring me cake.

My wife said: “Our new neighbors are so in love. He kisses her, strokes her hair, hugs her. Why don’t you do that?”
Me: “Because I don’t know her that well yet.”

My wife says I treat our house just like a hotel. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, so I gave her a shit review on TripAdvisor.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

• 🇬🇧 English language

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”
Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walked out again, she said: “you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish.”

• 🍆 Sex