I came, I clicked,
Man and woman (113 jokes)
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I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died.
I would leave right now, but the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.
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I showed up to my exโs place to cash in a foot rub coupon he made me for Valentineโs Day ten years ago, his wife was kind of a bitch about it.
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I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself…
my wife rushes through the room and shouts, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK”
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!
And she said to me “Whatever floats your boat”
And I said “No, that’s Buoyancy”
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “Ok, this isn’t working out.”
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus :(
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.”