Man and woman (113 jokes)

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it’s because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

• 🤷‍♀️ In-laws

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

• 🔥 Cheating
• 🏩 Prostitute
• 🍆 Sex

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn’t her type
I’d be her type.

• 💰 Money

If they’ll cheat for you, they’ll cheat on you.

If you’re thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

If your girlfriend asks if you would still love her if she was a worm, just say yes. she will never be a worm.
You will never actually have to deal with that. But you will have to deal with the girlfriend who thinks you wouldn’t love her if she was a worm and she is mad.

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “I’m leaving and I’m taking the kids”]

ME: unplugs fridge from power outlet you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

“I love you lots snuggles” said my girlfriend
“And I love you tons” I replied.
“Wow fine, you don’t have a nickname for me?” she said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt’s going deaf.

• 🍩 Overweight

I’m a hostess at a restaurant and my favorite thing to do is ask 14/15 year old boys who are out on dates if they want a kids menu.

• 🤵 Work