Man and woman (113 jokes)

Doctor: Your girlfriend is pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can’t be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I’m sure it didn’t.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella’s tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can’t be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
“Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?”

The hubby replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”

Give a man a camera and he’ll point it at a woman.
Give a woman a camera and she’ll point it at herself.

Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card
She isn’t sick, I just think she can get better

He keeps texting me, saying “busy with COD” what does this fish have that i don’t?

• 🖥️ Technology

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…

• 🇬🇧 English language

I asked my mum “How much is a couple?”
“2 or 3” she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

“Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character” I exclaimed,

“Fuck off” She shouted “I haven’t got dressed yet”

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”