Technology (195 jokes)

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

I was once in an elevator and a girl dropped her iPhone as she stepped in, and we both listened to it careen thunderously down the shaft for what seemed like five minutes, our eyes wide with shock.
It took every ounce of self restraint I had not to say, “FOOL of a Took.”

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kind of like my toaster.

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

I wrote an entire new family of malware, when executed it accesses your system, neatly organizes your files and makes your desktop pretty.
It then prompts you to send Bitcoin or it will put it back the way it was. I call it handsomeware.

Java is to JavaScript as Car is to Carpet.

Just asked the Google streetview car driver if he minded me taking a picture of his car. Immediately realized the irony in that question.

Just found my Nokia 3310 in an old jacket I last wore in 2001. Still has 3 bars on the battery

Just had a CAPTCHA test make me identify the seaplanes amidst an assortment of other types of planes.
You may be overestimating my plane knowledge.

Just read this crash report: “Eating my breakfast while typing one-handed. Don’t really think that was the cause though”