Sex (185 jokes)

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other—two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

• 👪 Family
• 🌈 LGBT

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

• 🧙‍♂️ Fantasy

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

Do you know that there are four types of orgasm?

The Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.

1. The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
2. The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
3. The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
4. and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes ‟Oh insert the name of whoever you’re telling the joke to”

• 💥 Insults

During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn’t move.
She: “What are you doing?”
Me: “I’ve seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering”

• 🖥️ Technology

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virgin.

• 💭 Thoughts

For every ‘normal” web page, there are five porn pages.

• 🖥️ Technology

Genders are like the Twin Towers
There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.

Girl: “Come over”
Guy: “I’m coming over”
Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.”

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”

Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

• ✝️ Christian