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Sex (185 jokes)

Guys only have two moods: Hungry and horny, so if he’s not asking for sex, make him a sandwich.

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Have spent morning testing Stephen Fry’s gender theories by asking random women for sexโ€ฆ He’s right! They’re just not interested.

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Having a vibrator die on you when masturbating is like having sex with a man.

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Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
  3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a prostitute - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORIALLY SUPERIOR.
  12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  7. He does not have his HEAD UP HIS ASS - He has developed a case of CRANIAL-RECTAL INVERSION.
  8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
  10. He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
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I ask my wife if we could try to do it doggy style…

She rolled over and played dead.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

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โ€œI can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,โ€ my wife screamed at me. โ€œI’m really disappointed.โ€
โ€œYou can hardly blame me,โ€ I answered. โ€œIt’s not like I was getting any from you.โ€
โ€œWell, that’s your own fault,โ€ she replied. โ€œYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.โ€

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana….
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

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If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

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