I came, I clicked,
Sex (185 jokes)
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Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
Sex with Linux:
$ date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts.
Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am, you think “Thank God these are here”
Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”
Mother: “Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.”
TEACHER: What’s wrong Musa, why are you crying?
MUSA: Our house is very small. My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?’ Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.
Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don’t answer!
The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.
Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?
Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I’m coming, are you coming too?
Dad answered: Yes.
They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I’m coming too!!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex”
Yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time.
“The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed” might be my favorite saying of the week.
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The husband leans over and asks his wife:
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
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