I came, I clicked,
Sex (184 jokes)
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Sex with Linux:
$ date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts.
Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am, you think “Thank God these are here”
Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”
Mother: “Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.”
TEACHER: What’s wrong Musa, why are you crying?
MUSA: Our house is very small. My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?’ Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.
Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don’t answer!
The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.
Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?
Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I’m coming, are you coming too?
Dad answered: Yes.
They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I’m coming too!!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex”
Yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time.
“The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed” might be my favorite saying of the week.
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The husband leans over and asks his wife:
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
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The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
“Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”
Trump: “Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to ship condoms in from Mexico.”
Telephone voice says, “Bad idea… The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?”
Trump: “Okay, I’ll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they’ll continue to respect us as Americans.”
Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested… All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: Made In Canada / Size: Small.
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