Sex (184 jokes)

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your husband.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your husband.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”
Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”
Helen: “No, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

• 🔥 Cheating

The new sex position is called Brexit:
It’s when you promise to pull out but you don’t.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.” The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Alberta?” The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”

The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”

• ✡️ Jew

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

• 👪 Family

The question “Would you rather watch porn with or of your parents?” perfectly split the bar last night based solely on nationality. Strange.

There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there’s You, without either.

There was a homeless man with a sign that said “One dollar for dirty joke.”
It seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”
Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?”
Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?”
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?”

They say makeup sex is awesome, but it just leaves my dick covered in lipstick

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex.
The first guy starts, “Y’all ain’t got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I’ve slept with more than 1,000 women!”
Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I’ve slept with well over 5,000 women.”

Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the readers who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”