Technology (195 jokes)

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Prediction for 2035: RFID condoms replace remembering your date’s name among busy tech professionals.

• 🍆 Sex

Programming ProTip: // is the speedup operator.
Use // before the statement you want to speed up. Works in C++, Java and a few others!

Put Haskell on your resume even if you don’t know it. When asked, say your resume is lazy and you’ll learn it when results are needed.

QA Engineer walks into a bar.
Orders a beer.
Orders 0 beers.
Orders 999999999 beers.
Orders a lizard.
Orders -1 beers.
Orders a sfdeljkn

• 👷 Engineer

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with, but I reckon it was probably a printer.

Recruiter: can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: I’m not very good at CSS

Remember in the 90s to get online you had to murder a robot each time, and it would scream and scream until its death powered your internet.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

• 🍆 Sex

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it’s 12345678.