I came, I clicked,
Fantasy (74 jokes)
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I was once in an elevator and a girl dropped her iPhone as she stepped in, and we both listened to it careen thunderously down the shaft for what seemed like five minutes, our eyes wide with shock.
It took every ounce of self restraint I had not to say, “FOOL of a Took.”
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know what is sex” he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ….”Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Stunned by his response, Jane said: “Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don’t shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, pointing to her privates,”you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: “What the bloody hell did you do that for?
“Check for squirrel.” he responds.
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Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves.
Why would you kidnap his family?
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
me: how can I impress your dad?
girlfriend: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet you
me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My day job is to speak in an arcane snake language to a crystal vibrating at 3,000,000,000 cycles per second sitting in a cloud so that it can alter probabilities in the real world. If that isn’t magic what is.
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My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.
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My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
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