I came, I clicked,
Fantasy (74 jokes)
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don’t get it. I’ve lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
My wife finally agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom, the only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.
“Of course!” I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my “lightsaber”.
The night finally came. Dressed in my Jedi robe I slowly opened the bedroom door. The room was dark. I could only barely make out my wife’s pale naked body, posed sensually on the bed.
I slowly remove my robe, revealing the faint blue glow of my ‘lightsaber’.
‘Hello there,’ I say, in my best sexy Obi Wan accent
‘General Kenobi,’ she replied, as four other ‘Lightsabers’ appeared behind her
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry, I’ll return.
Not sure I’ve laughed more in a game than reading the files of my soldiers in Valkyria Chronicles. “Allergic to sand” was a good one.
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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secretย desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King’s chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn’t have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
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People talk about being bound by the Pirate Code.
Personally, I’ve always seen it as more of a loose set of guidelines to be applied on a case-by-case basis.
prepares to sneeze aa.. aa.. aaaโฆ AAAPh’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn !
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President Trump is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts โMickey Mouse!โ This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, โWhy the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?โ
Blushing, the agent replies, โI got nervous. I meant to shout… Donald, duck!โ
Professor X asks a girl, “what is your mutant power?”
Girl replies: “I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!”
She points up and says: “3 pulls”
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: “Yeah that’s cool and all, but not really a super power…”
Girl: “Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics”
Professor X, still standing: “Oh my god”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what