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Fantasy (74 jokes)

I call my weed “Yoda”, because it’s green and makes you talk funny.

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If Bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was.

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“If I had time travel, I’d kill Hitler”
“If I had time travel, I’d stop my favorite politician getting assassinated”

You’re all thinking too small.
If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.

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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy.

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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower-case t’s start hurting

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โ€”I’m a Ninja!
โ€”No, you’re not!
โ€”Did you see me do that?
โ€”Do what?
โ€”Exactly.

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In 1920, we took children out of the coal mines,
In 2020, the most popular video game on the market is Minecraft.

The children yearn for the mines

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In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.

Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! โ€œThank you, young menโ€ said the fairy, โ€œYour hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?โ€
โ€œThis is my friend Set, and you can call me โ€˜Ep’โ€, said Amenhotep.
โ€œVery well, Epโ€ said the fairy โ€œWhat is the desire of your heart?โ€
โ€œI wish I was the strongest man in the world!โ€ Amenhotep wished.
โ€œVery wellโ€, said the fairy, โ€œbut you must always use your strength to help others.โ€

Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was seven foot six and rippling with muscles.

The fairy turned to Set โ€œAnd what is your wish, Set?โ€
Set responded โ€œI never want to be poor again! I wish for money!โ€
โ€œVery well,โ€ said the fairy.

Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys.
โ€œGreetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!โ€
โ€œElmon is an expert in all things money,โ€ said the fairy, โ€œHe will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.โ€

Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname โ€œImpโ€. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.

Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.

Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. Fifteen years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.

As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.

Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.

Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.

Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.

Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.

Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. โ€œCome, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.โ€

Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.

The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.

Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

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I think I’m half-Batman, half-Spiderman, because I have no money, no powers.

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It’s weird that people interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”

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