Thoughts (215 jokes)

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

• 🌿 Drugs

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist, but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think “Baby it’s cold outside” is really weird, and we’re gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

Unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia.
Here you go.

• 🖥️ Technology

Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead.

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

What happens if you put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?

Well that’s just a wireless hose

• 🔬 Scientist

What if they aren’t stars at all, but holes poked in the top of the container so that we can breathe?