I came, I clicked,
America (67 jokes)
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My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too โun-Americanโ
I saw it coming from a kilometre away
My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough.
Saw it coming a kilometer away.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
On 9/11, two men were arrested on George Washington’s Bridge with a truck full of explosives. For some reason this never became a big story.
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil.” You’re on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Donald said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled:
“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
“What happened to you?” asked Trump
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Trump.
The driver replies, “I’m president Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
President Trump is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts โMickey Mouse!โ This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, โWhy the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?โ
Blushing, the agent replies, โI got nervous. I meant to shout… Donald, duck!โ