I came, I clicked,
Drugs (19 jokes)
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I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5‘2”, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught Sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.
“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”
I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, she said she didn’t drink.
I said “you don’t drink?!?”
“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but I’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.
So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
“wanna get a room and knock boots?”
She says: I thought you’d never ask!
I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?
She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
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I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk. Pray to god nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was
Pothead gets really high on some good shit and goes home.
Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes!
— Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room…
He opens the living room door, and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.
— my bad pops, sorry.. .
He shuts the door.
— Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen !
Our pothead rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper.
— Uhm… sorry pops…
Shit, he is fast…
– Then I am going to hide in the balcony!!
He rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing… dad sitting there with the newspaper… but before he gets to apologize:
— Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can’t deal with high maintenance women
You want to know how old you really feel?
Stop drinking caffeine and popping ibuprofen. then, just wait.