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Politician (42 jokes)
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Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word โtragedyโ.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, โif my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.โ
โNot quiteโ, says Mr. Trump, โthat would be an accident.โ
A little girl raises her hand: โif a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.โ
โI’m afraid not,โ explained the president. โThat’s what we would call a great loss.โ
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. โIsn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? โ
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, โIf Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.โ
โFantastic!โ exclaimed Mr. Trump. โThat’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?โ
โWell’, said little Johnny, โbecause it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.โ
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Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I’m stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
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Two hardcore Trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, โyes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?โ.
God says, “my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232โ.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, โThis goes higher up than we thoughtโ.
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- What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
- I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there’s no more Jobs, but I shouldn’t compare apples to oranges.
- What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
- North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“There’s no need! I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
“Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity.”
He reflects for a minute and then answers, “Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it’s hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us.”
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- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill on January 2021?
- Because they had to go home and change first.