I came, I clicked,
Politician (42 jokes)
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- How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?
- You tell him Barack Obama installed it.
- How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. They only talk about change.
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. They’re afraid of change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
If 2021 has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump was a regular American citizen.
He caught COVID-19, had massive debt, was about to be evicted from his house and lost his job
In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow.
They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.
After a little bit Putin asks Trump “hey, you wanna see something?” and he rings a little bell that’s sitting on the coffee table.
A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in front of Putin, and without a word starts giving him a blowjob right there in front of Trump.
A few minutes go by and Putin smacks the blonde once on the back of the head, she gets up, and without a word leaves the room.
Putin smiles at Trump. “You wanna try too?” He asks.
“Yes” says Trump enthusiastically “but please don’t smack my head when you’re done”.
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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.
In the year 2025, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.”
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”
“Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits”
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.”
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in “knight”, four silent K’s in “knickknack”
And three silent K’s in “Republican”.
โMr President, at 0600 hours we received the following message from outside the solar system. Sergeant, bring it onscreen from NASA.โ
โJesus that’s indecipherable.โ
โOh, No, sorry Mr President, that’s a Perl script we use to connect to the satellite. Give it a second.โ