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Politician (42 jokes)
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Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
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So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop…
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama ?”
Barack replied, “Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing apples to oranges.
The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she’s out. It’s a weird way to find out that my cat is a Republican.
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The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
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The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don’t think they’re funny, and Democrats don’t think they’re jokes.
The year is 2027 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,
‘So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
‘Oh, Daddy’, replies the president-elect, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’
The Justice whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Daddy says proudly, ‘Her brother played football for the University of Alabama’.
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
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