Prostitute (12 jokes)

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom…

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How’m I doin’?”
“About three knots,” says the hooker.
“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “Whaddya mean?”

And the hooker says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.

By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.

The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?”
The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”

The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here! Hold her!”

The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie,
“THIS AIN’T MY WIFE!”

The cabbie replied, “I KNOW. IT’S MINE… I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!”

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

“How much for a hand-job?”

“5,000$” she replies.
“5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way.”

“Walk with me.” She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs.”

He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?”

“15,000$” she replies.
“15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” He shouts

“Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs.”
“Fine, how can i say no?”

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?”

“Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” She asks.
“No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” He exclaims, astounded.
“No…” she looks down. “But I would if I had a pussy…”

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

• ✝️ Christian
• 🇮🇪 Ireland

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute.

The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay me?”
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up ‘prostitute.’
The definition reads: ‘A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. ‘

The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up ‘panda.’
The definition reads: ‘An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves’

• 🐪 Animals

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”
Prostitute: “C’mon man…. give it a try… “

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he’s done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, “But you said you won’t be able to…”
“…pay you.” replied the old man.

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
“Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, two new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”

• 🐪 Animals

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

• 🔥 Cheating
• 👫 Man and woman
• 🍆 Sex

If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

• 💭 Thoughts