Germany (15 jokes)

23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know FOR A FACT that my grandparents came to the USA from Argentina!

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.
The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for two hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for four hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.
Four hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.

The Italian spy says, ”I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.”

• 🇫🇷 France
• 🇮🇹 Italy

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says “sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

• 🇺🇸 America
• 🥢 Asia
• 🇨🇦 Canada
• 🇫🇷 France
• 🇮🇪 Ireland
• 🇮🇹 Italy
• 🇷🇺 Russia
• 🇪🇸 Spain
• 🇬🇧 United Kingdom

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.

Looking at the barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar

“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf”
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before

“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman
Bartender responds: “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar”

• 🍺 Alcohol
• ✡️ Jew
• 💰 Money

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

“How come you’ve never spoken before?“ asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

German has the most amazing words! “genduneglissakaftken” means when English speakers make up a completely new word and pretend it’s a normal word german people say everyday.

Historical fact : Rudolf Hess helped with the editing of the book ‘Mein Kampf’ for Hitler.

Technically, that makes Hess the very first grammar nazi…

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god.

God:”You already know you’re going to hell, but before that I’ll give you one wish.”
Hitler:”Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man.”
God:”Why the Swedish man?”
Hitler:”I knew you didn’t give a fuck about the Jews.”

• ✡️ Jew

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. Germans are very efficient and they don’t have any sense of humor.